It’s Funny to Me
how easy it is for me to say ‘God, I surrender all these things to you that have been weighing me down, and I trust you to make things the way you want them to look’ and while saying that, base the statements off of an assumption in my head that I have created of how He is going to turn things around. I create scenarios in my head that I would prefer or that I can handle, and you would think that by now I would have stopped doing that. Because every single time MY plans for what I want GOD’S plans to look like get completely shot. Every time.
But the strangest part to me is that when I see things start getting out of my control and going in ways that I hadn’t anticipated, I start to panic and try to gain back the very things that I have been praying for God to release me from.
Like, I am realizing that I would rather have these problems in my life and control them rather than have no problems and no control.
And that scares me. I am a controlling person. And that is an ugly attribute to have. Thinking back on the past couple years, God has really been putting this area of my life through the ringer; allowing me to go through trials in which I literally have no control over. I feel helpless and angry that I can’tfixmy situation back to the way I would like it. And I am beginning to realize that as long as I strive for control, I am automatically striving for bondage. Because owning control over my life links me to being a slave of my fleshly desires and preferences. I can’t let go of my problems and weaknesses and issues when I am the one controlling myself.
So I am starting to see that a lot of this summer is going to look like the word
Abandonment.
